Troy

Regardless of whether you know the story of Homer's Iliad, it's a certainty that you know of the expressions Helen of Troy, Achilles' Heel and The Trojan Horse. These plot points have become more than the legend of which they are a part, and have entered the modern lexicon as sayings and day-to-day phrases. They aren't anything new, you know what is means and have heard them a million times before, and the same can be said for every aspect of this film.

Lord of the Rings Trilogy

This 1001 book is starting to piss me off. Not only did it count a whole goddamn TV series as one film (slyly writing the length of one hour long episode instead of the full 10-hour marathon) but now it’s counted Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy as one film. This is less annoying, as all three films appear on all of the other lists used, but think, two other films could have been removed to make up the numbers. Maybe two of the crap films I’ve already watched. Thanks book editors, thanks very much. I watched Olympia and the Spider’s Stratagem for nothing. Bastards.

Since dominating the world of cinema upon its release and becoming a cultural landmark, the trilogy has suffered a little backlash, mainly in terms of plot. Some believe, and I’m topping this list with Kevin Smith for his Rings-hating rant in Clerks 2, that the whole epic journey to thrown the mythical One Ring into the fiery chasm of Mount Doom could have been achieved a lot faster with the use of the giant eagles seen at the start of the film rescuing Gandalf from Saruman’s clutches and at the end, flying Sam and Frodo to safety. “Hey,” they say, “why didn’t they just fly the eagles to Mount Doom, chuck in the ring, then fly home for another pint of mead?” “Well,” say I, “because of all the giant frickin’ Nazguls flying around, you ignorant festering spore of mould.”The Nazguls, ridden by Sauron’s elite ringwraiths, are giant winged demon creatures, a kind of hybrid between a dragon, a snake, a garbage disposal and the thing creeping up behind you right now. Admittedly, once on the ground they seem to be fairly easily dispatched when distracted by food, swift footwork and a well-honed chopping action, but notice how the eagles only show up to the battle once some of them have already been taken out, and even then seem to struggle. Just shut up.

There is far too much to say about this trilogy, far more than I’m willing to type at any rate, but it is clear that the production of these films was very much a labour of love for all involved, particularly Jackson, with the sheer scale of everything, from Bilbo’s under-hill cottage at Bag End, through the elven city of Rivendell, the stronghold of Minas Tirith, the fires of Mount Doom and everywhere inbetween being a phenomenal undertaking, consuming many years of the lives of all who took part. All the characters are perfectly cast, even those not required of any emotional heavy lifting (Orlando Bloom, we’re looking at you), and every character has more than enough time to shine. There are many memorable moments, from Gandalf’s stand-off against the Balrog in the mines of Moriah, to Legolas’ acrobatic takedown of the mountainous four-tusked Olyphant (which, of course, still only counts as one kill), not to mention the groundbreaking effects used to create the creature Gollum.

Don’t be put off by the dungeons and dragons feel, with the silly names, invented languages and occasionally ridiculous mythology (so it’s a ring that makes one person all powerful and anyone else invisible, that can only be destroyed in a giant volcano? Well yes that sounds perfectly plausible), for this is cinema as it is meant to be, showcasing action, drama, comedy, war, every genre you care to think of. There’s even an army of ghost pirates and a few coming-of-age tales in there too. Yes, the romantic sub-sub-plot between Aragorn, Arwen and Eowyn is largely superfluous and feels tacked on, and it is a little long (never bothered me that much, I’m more than happy to spend a whole day watching films), but for a spectacle this grand, it’s more than worth it.  

Choose film 10/10

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The second pirates film is not as good as the first, but is still thoroughly entertaining, and features several enjoyable set pieces, not least of which is the three-way swordfight between Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Jack Davenport (who really should be in more films). This is probably my highlight of the trilogy, especially once the giant wheel comes into play.

The special effects are stepped up from the first film, with Davy Jones and his crew looking exceptional, with the many hours of work involved being well worth the effort. Still, the cliffhanger endings do make this seem more of a set-up for the trilogy closer.

Choose life 6/10

Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl

The original Pirates of the Caribbean film, the greatest ever made best on a theme park ride, is tremendous family-friendly fun, especially in its first half. It loses its way towards the end of the second reel, as the plot becomes inundated with various bluffs and double crosses, although in a film about pirates this is only to be expected. The CGI is excellent and well used, as is the comic relief, mainly provided by Lee Arenberg and Mackenzie Crook, surely the closest any human being can get to being a scarecrow without an awful lot of hay. Geoffrey Rush could well have been cast as villain Barbossa on the strength of his piratical laugh alone, and for that deserves at least a mention.

Choose film 7/10